Me and my boyfriend, Pusheen style. Haha
Do you ever get that feeling of disappointment when the people you’d think would be there for you the most, aren’t even there?
(wrote this a couple months back but thought I’d share.)
If you were to ask me how I’m feeling right now I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I don’t know whether I’m sad or lonely, happy or relieved, or just plain down. I know that due to our situation it’s just not possible to have spent this day together, but to not have spent this day together at all makes me a bit sad. And you know it’s weird because I’ve never, in my life, felt this sad about not having “someone”. I’ve always just been content with being single or with you not by my side, but I felt differently this time around. I don’t know whether it’s because I tried to buy my happiness or the fact that I realized I didn’t have anyone. I mean, what does that mean? Does it make me a bad person that I just wanted you to myself? I know that you were busy all day but still.. it kinda hurts. I don’t really know. You still texted me but it wasn’t the same. It’s never the same. I can deal with not physically being with you, but I can’t deal with not being with you at all. I felt so lonely. I felt like crying and I did a bit, but I told myself to stop being stupid. Am I crazy? Am I selfish? Maybe I am. Maybe I don’t have to ask myself these questions. Maybe I know all the answers to these questions. Maybe I’m just trying to hide behind a facade. Maybe I just need you. Maybe I just need.
I’m sorry God for filling my thoughts and words with negativity. I now realize that I am living a gift.
I feel like being mad at the world, but maybe I’ll just sleep.
Why am I always the bad guy? I just don’t know how to feel anymore. I’m in a mix of in betweens. Whatever. I don’t know.
If you know me or even follow me on twitter, you would know that during school I can be a real debbie downer. It’s not that I want to be that way, but to make it short and simple—school makes me crazy. This is why I just wanted to take the time to be thankful. I am so grateful for the holidays in which I am able to have the time off school to relax, destress and spend quality time with people whom I love.
As cliche as it sounds, the holidays allow me to enjoy being around my family. I love the good vibes the holidays bring. I do feel myself to be more happy and positive because I’m just always in a good mood these days, I love it! I really do hope that my positivity will last throughout the new year, especially when I go back to school.
On another note, I am grateful that throughout this crazy ice storm in Toronto, our area didn’t lose power like other areas did. I know more than a couple of people who have lost power in their houses. I can’t imagine how they are surviving in these cold winter days without power. However, I know that there are a lot more people in other countries who have it worse. I am just so thankful for being blessed with a warm, cozy house (although it does get pretty chilly in my room) which I can stay in, despite the crazy winter weather we have this year. All I can hope for is that others, who don’t have power in their houses, will still feel the warmth of their families and their loved ones.
I know I rambled on more than usual but I just really wanted to share my gratitude. It’s late and I should probably get some sleep, but I’m going to wait for my boyfriends call. I’m so grateful that I get to see him next week :) I am blessed.. I am. <3
I hate having these moments. Having these crazy expectations for myself when really I should just slow it down, breathe and remember that it takes time. I did it once so I can do it again. I got this.
It’s a shame. Missing people that don’t miss you.
It’s 1:30 am and I know I should be sleeping, but I’m laying here on the phone, listening to the comfortable silence he seems to offer. What more can I ask for? Other than wanting to be closer than this. But this is how it goes.. I guess this is how it goes.